If you are going to leave your wife alone for several days, with five children, it's best to not text her about how relaxing the flight down was. Or how you had two margaritas with dinner. Or how you might go swimming. Or how comfortable the bed is. (this is especially cruel if your daughter chooses pull her mother's hair while sleeping in bed with her.

If you are going to leave your wife alone for several days, with five of your children, try to make sure that the fridge is stocked. You don't want to send your wife out to the grocery store at dinner time, as your daughter and son refuse to take simultaneous naps. This will result in the folks at Trader Joes recommending a bottle of wine for your wife as your two year old runs up and down the aisle stuffing cupcakes in his junior sized cart. And she will buy that bottle of wine.


If you are going to leave your wife and children for a long weekend, try to not leave on a weekend where there are three soccer games in two different states. And a swimming lesson. And a toddler who believes that he should be allowed on the soccer field because.....well all the other moms let their kids on! Including Baby! Baby's on the field and not me. You're so not fair mom!!!! I will bite your hand.

If you are going to leave your wife and children for any amount of time try to leave a functioning vehicle. One that runs for three days and then randomly decides to stop working isn't going to cut it. Most especially if it's 6:40am and everyone's loaded up and the car just dies. Baby's already demanding a new car because she gets carsick in the current vehicle. Your wife, who you left alone with five children, asked for a new car two years ago. And will call you at 6:50am to ask you what's wrong with the car. Beauty sleep and all.