Wednesday, December 17, 2014

It’s a good thing my kids number five. Because I. Can’t. Even.

X-Man is trying. Either trying to behave for Santa or just trying me. Recently he decided that he was incapable of removing his pants before using the restroom. But he still tries. Then gets them tangled about his ankles, face plants and bellows for me. He recovers quickly though. He announces that he’s through using the facilities by doing headstands as close to me as possible. I swear he waits until I sit down on the couch so he can vault right over the back onto his head. Usually with his cute little toosh right up in my face. And he says it’s gross when I kiss him.

I don’t craft. I’ve never claimed to. But that doesn’t stop Baby from deciding that this is the Christmas where she makes ALL THE THINGS. She has very particular visions in mind. I’ve been very straight with her. I’ll get the supplies and keep the babies away from her projects, but the rest is on her. Because I will break whatever it is she’s working on. When those visions don’t come to fruition, she gets frustrated. And annoyed with me. I think she holds me responsible for her lack of artistic talent. And she has a point.

The kids had their last Atrium classes for the year. So it was teacher gift time. For reasons that seemed to make sense to me in another life, I decided to bake them cranberry white chocolate pound cakes. Things went well, up until they came out of the oven. I set them cool, and fell asleep on the couch. I blame my boring book. I started awake to a definite X-Man voice saying “Yummy baby have some.” There’s  no scenario where that’s a good thing.

I entered the kitchen to find X-Man sitting on the counter next to the oven. Cinco was sitting demurely on the chair he had pushed over. She was not removing chunks from the bread. X-Man was. Cinco was  eating them.  X-Man beamed at me and said “Hi Mom want some?” See things are only naughty if he’s benefiting. If he’s being magnanimous with others’ Christmas gifts…..well that’s just the spirit of the season. Or some tortured logic. He also figured quickly that hastily beaten retreat was in everybody’s best interests.

Oddly enough, I think X-Man is the first child to be truly affected by my mom glare. He was doing something naughty and got caught by me. I radiated disapproval and he cowered down, covering his eye and started waving me off yelling “Stop it mom, stop it. Don’t look.” Fortunately he wasn’t looking at me as I had lost it at that point.

Anyway, X-Man was no match for my angry glare. And the damage wasn't all that bad. Nothing that a little extra white chocolate and cranberries couldn't fix. At least that's what I told myself. 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

There was a time when X-Man ate whatever was put in front of him. And asked for more. This is not that time. He carefully picked all the vegetables out of his soup and piled them on the table. I instructed him to not do that. He carefully picked them up and dumped them in Mac’s bowl.  Looking back the whole incident, clearly Cinco rubbing the garlic bread in her hair shouldn’t have been my priority. Even though I don’t know how I’m going to wash her hair, as she’s still scared of water. 

Except when I’m taking a shower, then she’s convinced she should get in with me. Until I actually let her in…..them defcon hysteria.

X-Man’s finicky eating is still very toddler-esque. He won’t eat any dinner placed in front of him. He will eat dinner if he is sitting in my lap and eating off my plate. The father figure frowns on this greatly. As I should, but half the time I’m just happy he’s eating. Not that my fifty pound three year old is undernourished at all.

I should encourage the lack of eating in order to curb the boy’s energy. He’s upped the busyness to match the excitement of the season. He’s convinced that I’m holding out on him and that there really are bouncy balls hanging on the Christmas tree. He’ll find them if he has to test every. single. one.  Meanwhile Cinco is convinced that the snowflake ornaments are really cookies. She thinks she’s sly. The glitter on her lips betrays her.

I’d keep writing by X-Man just crawled into my lap, gave me a kiss and ran off. Which means he just did something very naughty. And messy.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

It’s never good when your just turned seven year old leans out the car door and bellows “MOM!!!! Do we have any wipes????” It’s especially not good when you are trying to get updated by the soccer coach and you left X-Man and a full cup of coffee in the car.

And now I have to shampoo the carpet in my car.

The father figure recently started eating his vegetables, even when we weren’t eating a family dinner. He will grudgingly choke them down if the kids are watching, but he never freely eats them. So I was surprised, and touched to see him eating not just broccoli but also squash. I understood. He has another birthday coming, and, soon, will be entering into a new decade. He needs to take care of himself. He’s worked hard and we are planning for the future. He needs to eat healthy if he wants to enjoy those golden years with me.

I stared at him, dreamily, envision the upcoming years when my coffee won’t be dumped all over my car. He smiled back, holding a large scoop of squash on his spoon. “Gotta start eating better.

Yes, yes of course you do dear.

My twenty year high school reunion is coming up.


Which just reminded me that I will have to attend his high school reunion next year. I grabbed a spoon and started eating squash with him. I’ve got five of stud muffin over there’s kids to work off.

Monday, November 24, 2014

I've clawed my way out of the avalanche of life that has buried me. It's still there, but my fingers are free enough to type. And I am certain that you all are breathlessly awaiting updates on my life.

X-Man picks his nose with his tongue. There. I've said it. Before my life was graced by this boy, I was under the impression this was a strictly bovine feat. It's not. Having raised multiple toddlers, I've got it down when it comes to keeping little fingers out of noses. I don't know how to keep a tongue out of a nose. It's not something I've ever really thought about before. I mean, it's one thing to hold hands, but grab his tongue. But that seems less gross than him sticking his tongue up his nose.

Seriously! How's this even an issue in my life? Who ever brainstorms how to keep their kid's tongue out of his nose? There are no Pintrest tips on this.

X-Man has reached a tentative understanding with me. He will wear a shirt and underwear. Or he will wear pants and underwear. He will not wear pants underwear AND a shirt. I've accepted these terms. and the resulting embarrassment has diminished. Our understanding is so great that he will even bring me his underwear after using the potty. Great strides people, great strides.

As much as I would like to be able to say that it is some great filial piety that inspires X-Man to gird his's not. He discovered that sliding down the carpeted stairs sans undies is not comfortable. After a few bumps and bellowed "OUCHES!!!!" on each step, he settled for underpants. But no pants. Allowing his style to be only slightly cramped.

And those of us living with X-Man breathed a great sigh of relief.  Especially as his desire to snuggle with everyone has not diminished. And his love of headstands has grown exponentially.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Life is very busy, which mean little time for blogging. That’s not to say there aren’t all sorts of interesting life lessons being learned. And new experiences. Like croup. X-Man has croup, which is a new experience. X-Man with croup is very cranky. Which keeps me on my toes. But he’s so cute when hoarse.

My sister was part of these life lessons. We were visiting and I thought coffee would be a nice touch to the afternoon. So we moved to the kitchen where I turned on my single serving coffee maker. While we waited for it to heat up, I did a load of laundry because well, you don’t want to waste daylight. And then I moved back to the living room. My sister said “are we going to have coffee?” 

Oh yeah, that’s right.

We made coffee, gussied it up with corn syrup enriched creamers and returned to conversation. Or at least tried to. After thirty minutes of sitting quietly in another room watching a movie, the moment I sat down with my hot cup, the bat signal was lit and here came Cinco and X-Man. Not content to simply observe me attempting to enjoy the moment, they felt the overwhelming need to climb all over me. As much as I want to be there for my children, I wasn’t particularly in the mood to have them stand on my shoulders in that moment. Or sit on my head. It’s a natural result of two children fighting over you, they will try to up each other, climbing higher than the other.

Cinco won that particular battle, and X-Man found entertainment elsewhere. He bonded with my coffee. It became “my tawfy.” He hovered over the cup, talking to it. I think he was studying his reflection in the coffee. When I would sneak a sip, he would observe the diminished amount and whimper to himself “my tawfy….my tawfy.” And howl in protest every time I lifted the cup. He certainly didn’t try to drink it “my tawfy hawt” but he didn’t want me to partake either.He just hovered over it, cradling it in his hands, muttering to it quietly. 

I get loving coffee, but X-Man took it to a new level.

I’ve also learned that in the amount of time it takes to pull X-Man’s pants up and help him wash his hands in a public restroom, Cinco can empty the contents of my purse into the toilet. Again, a new experience. Life, it’s not dull.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

X-Man has been glued back together. And sent home. I advocated for a 21 day quarantine, taking one just to make sure he was ebola free. I mean, you can’t be too safe. But they were not interested. Apparently you can actually be too safe.

I was ahead of the game this year. We had people over to carve pumpkins. Because hacking up produce seems like a reasonable thing to do when one feels like celebrating. Why should evergreen trees get all the holiday action?

The pumpkins had been selected during a rainy, muddy trip to the pumpkin patch, of course. The father figure decided to go all father of the year and print of images to carve into the pumpkins. The girls loved it. He went all out, and as someone who can barely get through the triangle eyes, I was more than happy to hand everything off to him. And so had a monster face and a cool looking spider. I was happy to display them and was relived to check them off my to do list. But no good dead goes unpunished.

It was buffet time. We came home from a day of soccer to fine our decor defaced. Complete with gnaw marks. Which eliminated teenagers or other prankster. But not X-Man. I suspected squirrels, I've heard they lose their nuts over pumpkins. So we shrugged and called it a day. 

When I opened up the curtains the next morning I was greeted to this sight. Not only had some rude creature moved on to my non carved decorative pumpkins that were supposed to last until Thanksgiving, he had failed to clean up after himself. Which of course, again did not eliminate a child of mine. The babies kept watch, complete with smeared hand prints all over the window, but we failed to catch the culprit. 

Another day, another soccer practice and we returned to this.

 Not content to eat one decorative pumpkin, he went whole hog on the second one as well. And, his cleaning skill mirrored my children. Again the kids kept watch. It got to the point it looked as if several squirrels from the local high school showed up and had a massive party while the parents were gone.

He was not content just to trash the front porch area. He's chaos spread through the garden.

But our patient waiting eventually paid off and we saw this desperately hungry squirrel feasting away.

For the record, that would be the fourth pumpkin he had invaded. As you can see, he's extremely hungry. And under fed.

The mess is driving me nuts. But the open bar is irresistible to our rodent friend. And keeps the babies entertained for copious amounts of time. So for now, the carnage stands.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I was planning a post for today. I actually had pictures selected and everything. Then X-Man played beat the clock with the front door in a desperate attempt at escape. He lost. And now is bleeding from his eye. Which means stitches or ebola. We're waiting at urgent care, he's watching Netflix,  I'm writing. It's almost as if we were home.

Of course he made the mad dash right as I was serving dinner. So I'm hungry and bloody and out of books on my kindle. And I'm very aware that I might have to pin down X-Man while people wave sharp objects near his eye. Stay tuned.