Monday, August 26, 2013

The father figure was offering his ideas on how to best celebrate national topless day. Since nothing says "Yay anniversary of women's suffrage! Yay for women being recognized as rational animals" quite like parading around without a shirt on. And the best reason presented to the newsman "If men can, women should be able to." Yay for reasoning abilities of a three year old.

Meanwhile, the father figure had nothing actually helpful to offer. I observed this and he retorted with "I'm just trying to give you blog material. You're welcome." But the thing is, it's only worthwhile blog material when it's reality. Which brings me to today.

No one has tried my patience on the potty training front quite like X-Man. The child has a bladder and bowels of titanium. And a will of steal. However, sitting on a potty is pain, unlike any other experienced by any other.

I'm not sure what the cause of such turmoil is. It's not taking off his pants. He likes that. It's not being diaperless, that's actually his preferred method of existence. It's certainly not sitting, he's very big into sitting. But somehow the combination of sitting on a potty produced hysteria only rivaled by Raiders fans.

I'm starting to think there's some sort of how to manual on how not to ever become potty trained. Like a survival book for toddlers.

First there is the collapse. It's impressive to observe a sitting child collapse in true dramatic flair. A true believer crumples like a rockstar. This is best accomplished if you are limber enough that you can rest you  head on the floor while keeping your buns on the child size potty. Particularly dramatic would be a sigh that accompanies said crumple.

Keeping ones head on the floor for too long becomes uncomfortable and also might cause those persecuting you to forget your misery. So it's good to violently thrash around and kick your feet while staying half prone. This does have the extra risk of kicking yourself in the nose, but if it helps convey the message.

Then there is the side roll. The more of the body that is engaged, the more effective the message. Lean all the way to one side. All the way. Trust yourself. Position yourself strategically because this is most effective if the potty chair tips with you. You will get the quickest response from your supervisor this way. Make sure you occasionally fall off it too, so they can more fully appreciate the danger they have placed you in.

After they have returned you to the seat of danger and horror, hold your head in your hands and gently weep. That should move even the most stone hearted mother. Make sure the splay  your fingers wide enough so that you can check to see the progress your tears are having on the stony cold hearted guardian who has placed you in such misery.You might have to raise your voice beyond gentle weeping if the parent appears too engrossed in their book. If your arms were to slip and you suddenly lurch forward, this would be a good reminder to the oh so blase mother of the real, true danger you are facing.

Another benefit of the sudden lurch, is as you are restored to your original position of torture, you are better able to wrap your arms around your torturer's neck. Lay your head on their should and let them both hear and feel your pain. Make them pry your arms, arms that were only meant to love, from their position of love, to again one of abandonment and torture.

Finally, remember to invoke a higher power in your battle. Thrust your arms heavenward with shouting and wailing. Beseech liberation from your torment. Or if not that, at least that a shower of frogs descend upon all those who would do  such evil to you. Midway through your protestations, throw yourself backwards. This is risky and could indeed bring harm to you. However, it provides with quickest opportunity for escape, as those involved will be more interested in righting the chair of misery first. Something about something spilling. Also, if you are particularly fortunate, a piece or two of the cheaply made device will pop off. Make sure to grab it with you and run. And then throw it when you are apprehended.

As they attempt to return you to the original position, angle yourself for the lid. Grab it firmly with both hands and go ridged. Lock every joint in your body. And let the fun begin.

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