Thursday, February 28, 2013

I hate to break it to ya’ll, but I don’t actually know if the child I’m gestating has red hair. I mean, you can keep asking me “is this baby going to have red hair?” and I will most likely stick with my current answer “Well, it depends on who the father is.” Admittedly, this does make the father figure cringe, but what the heck else am I supposed to say.  Maybe it’s some sort of innate bigotry on my part, but I feel strongly that only reasonable questions deserve reasonable answers.  I used to respond—because yes, I have been asked this question way more times than anyone should be comfortable with—“Well I did mark that box on the order form". But I decided I didn’t really like what that might imply for Baby and X-Man and, quite possibly, Gestating Cinco. Red hair is not the be all end all. However, I am still checking the “potty trained” box. Who knows, that might just come through for me one of these times.

I learned during my first pregnancy that babies, and the protrusion they cause, belong to the world. And I’m ok with that. I think there’s something beautiful about that. It’s one thing to rub my belly. It’s another to rub it and say “baby kick me.” Really? Why are you trying to provoke my child into a violent frenzy?  I don’t find that well-adjusted behavior.

You are, of course, absolutely the first person ever to ask me if I know what causes pregnancy. I’m so glad you asked, see I was homeschooled. The blank look that answer produces is pretty darn satisfying. And if you suggest that we start watching more TV, or get cable, I will tell you “If you think watching TV is better, you’re doing it wrong.” The funny thing is you’ll end up way more uncomfortable than I will.

Please do ask me if I am going to circumcise my son. See there’s nothing more I like to discuss with strangers than my son’s genitals. That’s not creepy at all. And it’s not weird that when I say “boy” that’s the first thing that comes to mind.

I absolutely LOVE being pregnant, thanks for your observation. I don’t know which is better, hemorrhoids or heartburn. Although nothing is as awesome as labor. Thank you for suggesting that I get an epidural as soon as I walk in the hospital door, your advice is so helpful since I haven’t done this several times before. Oh and I’m so glad you reminded me to go drug free as to not interfere with my baby bonding. I knew there was a reason why I just don’t seem to like X-Man. Hey you’re the one who brought it up, don’t go be all horrified when I agree with you.
I needed to hear your breastfeeding horror stories. See, after doing this four times, I didn’t have any myself.

I truly appreciate your smug comments that I will need to tuck, lift and rejuvenate certain areas of my body if I want to keep my husband. He’s gotten me pregnant five times, why would I want him to stick around?

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