Friday, February 8, 2013

I’m not one for those car stickers depicting your family. For one, it’s just too much personal information. Then there’s the fact that none of them properly depict my reality. See I’m looking for the one that has the dad blissfully standing there, two daughters chasing soccer balls, two boys wrestling and a baby girl being perfect. Because I can dream. Then, on the opposite side, me, rocking back and forth beating my head against a corner. See, reality isn’t really attractive to others. And I’m not in the mood to paint a brighter picture. That’s what my boards on Pintrest are for.

There’s a car, well make that pimped out truck—complete with monster truck tires—about town. He’s awfully proud of his baby trick, er truck, which screams “compensating” to me, but that’s another story. He too has decals on the back of his truck, a “no kids” decal. Followed by several money bags stickers. Classy. Hey to each their own. There is a certain financial appeal to a life with no one else’s life depending on you. I get that, but I also am pretty certain that there are a few things this fellow doesn’t know.

Dear Megabucks with the Overdone Truck,

Did you know that if two toddlers sit on an open dryer door, they will break it?
Did you know that if you leave your front loader washer’s door open, an  18 month old can, and most likely will, take a bite out of the gasket? Did you know that then causes leaks?
Did you know that it is acceptable to a discerning palate, that cannot consume icky rice, to suck frappacinos off the floor?
Did you know that you might actually have to yell “Don’t lick the turkey!” while shopping in Costco?
Did you know that a child can poop and pee on you at the same time?
Hair brushes and combs were banned by the Geneva convention.
Getting a toddler into a car seat is simply pig wrestling with an urban flair.
Bathtubs are terrifying, rivers are irresistible.
Fingerfood is a living word.
You can teach your son to hold the door for you, but all bets are off when a dragonfly enters the picture.
Did you know that a five year old can fit on the bottom of a shopping cart?
Did you know that a teething toddler’s drool can short out  a smart phone in less than two seconds?
Did you know that three pieces of pineapple can fit up a three year old’s nose?
Washing of the face is unimaginable cruelty. Doggy kisses are da bomb.
A toddler and a poopy diaper can sow seeds of destruction that your local SWAT team can only dream of.
Give a child any pair of sunglasses and they will sing the praises of 3-D.
It will take a child five minutes to master any electronic device. Give yourself three years to teach shoe tying.

This isn’t the place, but I can tell you where every public restroom is in the metropolitan area, along with the drinking fountains. If you have time, I can even describe which ones’ water tastes “yucky.”

Just some helpful life lessons you might have missed. These lessons stick with you  better if you experience them first hand. There are some things money can’t buy. Mostly, really expensive lessons. But, I have found these lessons invaluable.

1 comment:

  1. You make me feel so much better about my parenting and my crazy family and kids!