The  State of the Union address took place this week. I didn’t watch it; I was too busy running to the grocery store during soccer practice. In general, I like to watch it, civic duty and all that. I also think it’s a good way to teach your children about being involved in their community. And it leads to good questions such as Baby’s “Why is SHE called the First Lady? She’s not the First Lady of the World, I know LOTS of ladies way older than she is.”

I was disappointed, when looking at the reviews of the speech, to see there are some important issues that were most certainly not addressed. I’ve heard that closing GITMO is still the plan, and harsh interrogation tactics are supposedly discontinued. But there are real crises here in this country.

Dear Mr. President,

Did you know that every day, children in this country are forced to brush their teeth? With their own toothbrushes? Not only are their mouths forces open, scrubbing occurs, whether they want it or not, and they don’t even get to choose which toothbrush is used! I challenge you to stand outside a closed bathroom door and determine whether tooth brushing or waterboarding is occurring on the other side. I bet you can’t.

Every day, American children are forced to take showers. With soap and shampoo. Even if they took a shower two days ago. Every day, faces are washed. Numerous times a day. What’s with that? And noses are wiped. And that’s really annoying. Snot is natural. And it’s made by our children, why, why do we reject it so?

Every child here in the United States has had to undergo diaper changes. It’s their waste, and yet we don’t allow them to decorate the home as they see fit. Rather we wipe it away, while holding their legs and arms. Restraining them and forcing them to lie still for 30 seconds…..aren’t we better than that?

Children are forced to eat their food. Their artistic expressions and use of gravity of during meals are rejected by their parents. And to add insult to injury, their own elbows are rejected from the dinner table. Not only are these children—our future—forced to use plates and silverware,  they are forced to place the instruments of torture on the table and remove them. How degrading.

We force our children out into the sun and deny them fresh air due to phony concerns such as rain. Absurd. And what’s with the whole “stay out of the mud” rule? Existing simple to crush their spirits.

Homework. Written legibly. Completed on time. With real answers, not made up ones. Well what about their imaginations?

These abuses occur to children across our country every day. And don’t think your children are immune. I’ve seen them. Their shoes match, their hair is brushed. Yep, even your children suffer.

Tragic. It’s all I can say.

PS Do you know how hard it is to floss someone you have in a sleeper hold? Any tips from your spooks?