Tuesday, July 15, 2014

It often is the plight of mom to feel ignored and unappreciated. This is because she does not even attempt to shower or use the bathroom while her children are awake. The experienced mother knows that the prime bathroom hours are between one and three am. Using the bathroom in any form, even to just muffle screams in the bath towels, is to remind your children that they are physically incapable of surviving five minutes without without asking you all their mostest pressing questions in the world. Including "Daddy says the minions are speaking French. Is the true?" Sounds like something the father figure would say. And of course "MOM! Mac says French isn't a language!" "IT ISN'T! IT'S A FOOD LIKE FRENCH FRIES!"

I worked out. I cleaned up the kitchen. I passed Mac in the hall at least three times. But it was only when I was actually in the shower that it occurred to him that he really wanted a Greek yogurt.....right then. Maybe it's the sound of running water that possesses them to come running to ask "What's for dinner. ...tomorrow?"

I try to shower during nap time, which is when I can get my workouts in. We've all seen what happens if I work out while X-Man is awake. And if I try to shower while he's awake, he will come in, sit on the potty and bellow, oh so gently, "MOM I goes potty." Repeatedly. Until  I actually observe him doing so. Then it's "MOM! All done." Which requires a second observation.

Being summer, I am on vacation from work.  So I've been getting up and trying to sneak a workout in when I typically am working.  This did bring me quiet showers for all of three days. Then Mac, who is desperately trying to beat the sun out of bed, started joining me in the bathroom. He would sit on the potty for an inordinate amount of time, recounting his dreams and thoughts on life in general. Now I love Mac more than life itself, but the boy won't stop talking. Never about what he learned in school or what he did at swimming or about the book he's reading. Nope, however, he will explain to you how if plants had brains, zombies would eat them and vampires aren't real which is weird because the letter "v" is real and it's a hard choice between being  hit in the head with a rock and have to eat squid eyeball ice cream.  All real "conversations ". All had before my morning coffee.

Eventually, the father figure will yell, from the bed, for Mac to leave mommy alone when she's in the shower. He will then roll over and pat himself on the back for his good deed of the day and go back to sleep. You know who doesn't go back to sleep?  Cinco. Cinco who was sleeping up until the father figure came to the rescue. She's awake and getting out of bed and he's back asleep. So there I am, with Cinco wailing because she must eat NOW before she dies and Mac trying to decide what's faster a cheetah or a rocket on fire,   because fire doesn't exist in space, and he really needs me to weigh in on the matter. And Baba wonders how you could forget
to shave both legs.

If you are wondering why I don't just lock the door, well maybe it's because "there's a spider" sounds a lot like "there's a fire" through a locked door and running water. Or I still have Mac's indoor voice ringing in my ears "Don't let mom know that Cinco has blood everywhere."  And by blood he meant red sharpie, which is bad enough. Maybe it's that I know if they're in "bonding"with me, they aren't out there, burning the house down or bonding with each other. Which seems to involve a lot of bruises.

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