Tuesday, July 1, 2014

How to exercise with a toddler

Plan to get your workout done while it is still cool, keeping yourself on a tight schedule, as you will have to pick up the older kids from sports camp soon. Begin by getting the children settled in their morning routine. Remove the pull-up the toddler was wearing and put his underpants on. As you have for the last six months. Randomly, the toddler will announce “NO PANTS! Pull Up!” And remove his underpants. You will commence a battle of wills over not wearing pull-ups.

Do attempt to short circuit the meltdown by marching the toddler to the bathroom and having him use the toilet. As he does, approximately one second after being placed on it, do not try to understand why he is still screaming for a pull up. It will use energy better spent on your workout.

Eventually he will toddle upstairs and you can begin your 25 minute workout. Excitedly start the online radio station that boasts “exercise music”. Be very annoyed when it starts playing a song entitled “soothing songs for yoga.” Skip the song; discover the next song in line is “nature sounds for evening yoga.” As the baby steals the phone, you figure whatever she stumbles upon is better than “waves to squat by.”

As the intensity of the workout picks up, prepare yourself to be pelted with pull-ups. The toddler will have returned, not wearing underpants, but carrying a package of pull-ups. He will hurl them at you while bellowing “pull-ups mommy!” Dodging them will increase your heart rate, so over all, it’s a plus. Eventually, he will tire of throwing pull ups and start to gather them up again. He will sort them into piles of Buzz and McQueen. Apparently he will hold you responsible for the paucity of McQueens . You will be more distracted by the exercises you are supposed to be doing and the fact that the baby has turned off the music and is now texting someone.

As you move into jumping jacks, the toddler will realize that he left a couple pull ups behind you and he will need to get them immediately. In order to get them, he will need to crawl in between your legs and retrieve them. He will then feel offended when he gets squashed by your jumping jacks.

As he complains loudly, you will try to make him feel better. You will make yourself feel better by observing that even Shaun T isn’t doing his squats while wrestling a fifty pound toddler. You then move to calf raises, which become more challenging as the baby, eager to get in on the action, is now hanging off your leg.

It becomes impossible to continue on while holding children, so you have to peel them off you. Place them on the floor and proceed to jump over them. They will still carry on as if you have threatened to sell them into slavery. However, they will also complain when you stop jumping over them.  So continue on.

Also, make sure you dodge the water spilled by the baby. She’ll get bored and go back to playing in it. The toddler will try to clean it up, mostly with a baby doll. He will also find another pull up and throw it at you. It will work well as a fan, so hang on to it.

After the longest twenty five minute workout of your life, you will look forward to a well-earned shower. It’s at this point you realize that you are alone in the house with a two year old and a one year old. Good times.

At least you’ll be all sweaty like the kids you have to pick up from camp.

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