I spent the weekend baby showering.  Not actually cleansing small persons, that’s more akin to pig wrestling. Rather, I was participating in a full blown baby shower of presents, not a baby sprinkle, which seems to be the standard for not first borns. It was a lovely day, although the food did not come by on conveyor belts, which seems to me to be more and more of a necessity these days. Many cute things were given, and although Gestating Cinco is the same gender and just two weeks younger than the child being celebrated, I did not actually engage in grand larceny. The temptation was certainly there, but it interfered with my getting more cookies.

I didn’t register for Baba, and I don’t regret that.  Baby registries are useful to know the mom’s preferences. I, personally, find all Disney characters and Sesame Street characters to be utterly distasteful. To a degree that is not rational. This is where a registry is helpful. Or a list of things that “I DON’T WANT.” But really, there are only so many things a mom needs for her baby; there are lots of nice additions, but only a limited amount of necessities.

And as I helped pass around darling outfits, I thought about all the things that I need to acquire before Gestating Cinco arrives.  Diapers. Binkies. A car seat.  A stroller. And what I really, really need……the motor on my van door to work. See, I have found that it is physically impossible to survive if I have to open a car door myself.  I don’t know how I survived my first three children.  I also can’t remember how I survived, up until last year, with a phone that doesn’t play Netflix on demand.

It’s amazing what we come to rely on. So very quickly. Forget cute baby blankets; just change my iPhone into a baby rattle. We’ll both be happier.  No amount of lovely, handcrafted wooden toys will be able to surpass car keys. And ear buds, those are the must have accessory for today’s active infant.

The difference between baby number one and baby number five really just boils down to the need for more electronic gadgets and toys for mom that make their way to baby.  You have high hopes with your first child, all the books you will read and quality mental development you will engage in. By baby number five, you know that she’ll come out able to access more apps on your phone than you can. It’s not that you no longer have high hopes and dreams for your children as you accumulate them. It’s just that you begin to recognize that the little people you are growing, who are taking so much out of you, are not just sucking you dry, but they are forming their own personalities and opinions. While totally wiping you out. Which just seems insulting, but there you are.

And so, they just end up being as human as you are. Way more interested in shiny electronics rather than books with mind developing colors. The chilled teething rings will never surpass your leather wallet. Just don’t forget that drool can short out the fob on your key chain.  It’s the voice of experience speaking.