If you make jokes about my family size, let me spare you the trouble. See, I’ve heard them all. They’re not funny. And your timing is off.

I’m a little sensitive to the subject at the moment. I went to pick up a prescription the other day. It’s a prescription I’ve been taking for a while……also the reason why I’m not drop dead tired ALL. THE. TIME. Anyway, for the first time ever when picking it up the pharmacist asked me “You’re not pregnant are you?” Uh…..

The answer was no. I knew the answer was no. But I still ended up just a little flustered. Maybe after one surprise pregnancy that only occurred to you to look for after three Long Island Ice Teas, you become just a little twitchy at the thought of getting back on that ride. Then again, maybe it was the prescription I was picking up and the fact that they ask you to contact them if you get pregnant while taking their medicine. Because they want to know what happens. Good times.

My day continued onward. And to the doctor. I was sitting in the waiting room listening to the nurses discuss what they would do with their ten zillion dollar Powerball winnings, I shared my plans. Change my name, buy an island….let my kids keep the house. They thought this might be the plan for success.

Anyway, off the doctor’s room. As the medical assistant was reviewing my medical history he asked, and I kid you not “how long have you been pregnant?” I pulled myself together fast enough to answer “about 45 months.” It was his turn to do a double take. “No, I mean right now.” Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of “Well, about thirty seconds.” “So, you’re not pregnant? “ “Not that I’m aware of. But it seems like it’s something we should ask Siri as this point.” “Huh weird. Let’s check your blood pressure.”

It was 160/90.  Last time it was that high…….I was pregnant.

The guy stepped out and popped his head back in. “I took a look at the computer out here and I can’t tell who checked the box saying ‘pregnant’ but it’s been checked since 2003. That’s weird.”

Now, I have spent a good part of the years between 2003 and 2016 pregnant. But I am fairly confident I have not been pregnant ALL of those months. And not pregnant in the months since Cinco made her delightful debut into the world. But at this point I was flummoxed. And in came the doctor.

“You’re pregnant? Congratulations! But we should talk about your treatment plan…..”

Me “I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant.”

Med tech “Oh I figured out how to get it off your chart! Ok, that was weird.”

I still almost swung by Target to pick up a pregnancy test.

And I’m ready to rethink this whole electronic medical records thing…….